It was perhaps ill advised that I spent three days alone in my house, sitting on the couch watching crime drama and MTV reality shows, painting with acrylics and doing crossword puzzles. It was glorious at first (pajamas all the time!), and then I got sad and crabby and realized it may have been due to the lack of sunlight and actually human contact. Winter has a colossal affect on my mood, always, especially during the time between Christmas and New Year’s. I don’t remember a Christmas when I wasn’t at least slightly blue, and it’s not because I secretly long for Jesus. Everything just comes to a halt, and then there’s this paralyzing quiet. It’s less so in the city, where most of my friends are Jews and we have a similar understanding about the role of Christianity in America, but it still reminds me of being a kid and feeling lonely, left out of the big show.
Anyway, I emerged from my hermitage,and now I’m in Massachusetts until Thursday. Time speeds up around here, and also slows down, as if such a thing were possible. It’s because of the early darkness, I think, and the simultaneous high and low that comes with writing and caffeine, a beautiful and dangerous combination. It’s hard to explain, unless it happens to you, but mainly, it works like this:
1. Drink coffee.
2. Stare at computer.
3. Feel despair.
4. Do crossword puzzle online. Fleeting sense of accomplishment.
5. Type some words. Erase them. 6. Stare at coffee shop patrons.
7. Drink more coffee. Think about how i don’t feel caffienated and that’s weird. Am i becoming immune to caffeine? Oh Gd.
8. Think about how I will never write anything again.
9. Doodle.
10. Shuffle songs on ipod.
11. Type more words. Continue to feel despair.
12. Listen to awesome song .
13. Jitters. Words beginning to connect. Joy!
14. Type frantically, as though I’m trying to race my own brain.
15. Finish typing. Despair returns.
16. Walk home to fend off caffeine induced rambunctiousness.
17. Repeat tomorrow.
