My sinuses are a bunch of jerks who see to it that I have a limited window of clarity each day, and I have yet to focus this attention in any remotely productive way. Everything feels insurmountable, even though I really just have a head cold, which makes me think about the fallibility of my body in the future, of course, because I’m not on such an even keel.
I’m leaving for Israel tomorrow, technically, since right now it’s midnight ish on Saturday. The other night, I said to S that going to Israel while feeling like you’re on the outs with Judaism is like trying to break up with someone while at the same time having sex with them and telling them you love them.
Like I said before, I seriously need this trip, in all its frenetic energy, to distract me, to shift my brain, to do something to jog things in a different direction. I keep thinking about the places in Israel that I miss all the time, the familiar and the scary and the dysfunctional and the strange and the mysteriously comforting, and again what it means to see them through the eyes of someone who is there for the first time. I wonder if it’s possible to think differently about all those places, to see them as just buildings, or just history, as opposed to something so existential, so much of a part of me. I think it’s often hard for me to process Israel in any sensible way, because it’s the first place I ever traveled to, the first time I decided I wanted something more than I was afraid of it.
Again, I am renting out my brain, separating from the part of myself that just wants to keep creating , and about to spent ten days with the part that cares about other things. It’s so strange and lovely and disarming that they can all exist together in the same person.
(As usual, I have delusions of blogging the trip, but I also really like sleep, which is a precious commodity during the adventure. The best I’ll probably be able to do is check my email.)