Today I’m posting two interviews at once, folks who got married for very different reasons and have very particular insights about it.
L is 33 and lives in the Northeast.
Why did you decide to get married?
We’d been together for almost 6 years. We bought a house & found out we were expecting a month later. Not very romantic, but we got married for tax purposes mostly.
What did you think marriage would be like?
This is my 2nd marriage so I thought I knew what to expect, but it has actually turned out much differently than I thought it would. My first marriage was unstable. I got married at 19 after dating just over a year. The marriage itself lasted a year and a half and was fraught with domestic violence and immaturity. Even when things aren’t ideal in my current relationship, there is always the security and comfort of knowing that he wouldn’t put his hands on me.
Where do you think you got your ideas/concept/narrative about marriage?
I think that my parents relationship taught me a lot. They divorced, but even at the time I could see the reasons why it just didn’t work and I wasn’t even 10.
What are your feelings on the word “wife”?
The word wife…I honestly have no real feelings or opinion concerning it. Not a very exciting answer, but I am ok with being someone’s wife.
Why did you make the decision you made about your name?
When my parents divorced, I cried when my mom was going to change her name back. I’m not sure where those feelings came from but I was so sad to think we’d have different last names. She ended up keeping her married name just for me. Based on my feelings as a child I didn’t see another option, I wanted to share a name with my child.
Do you think your relationship with your partner has changed since you got married?
Our relationship was morphing when we got married, so yes, I’d say things have changed a lot.
What have you learned about yourself since you’ve been married?
I’ve learned that compromise is important, but compromising SELF is toxic. I literally forgot who I was as a woman. I’ve started to find her again and I’m totally relieved.
R lives in Boston.
Why did you decide to get married?
Because I loved my husband and wanted to start a family with him someday. I wanted to make our relationship as permanent as it could get.
What did you think marriage would be like?
Having someone to share life’s ups and downs, having kids, working, having a house, being loved unconditionally. Very much what it is, as it turns out.
Where do you think you got your ideas/concept/narrative about marriage?
From pretty much everyone in my family.
What are your feelings on the word “wife”?
Someone who is loved, someone who has a built-in support, someone who is attractive (isn’t that last one crazy? But honestly, it popped into my head).
Why did you make the decision you made about your name?
All the women in my family took their husbands names, and I didn’t want a different name from my kids, and since I kept my last name as my middle name, it is still part of my identity.
Do you think your relationship with your partner has changed since you got married?
Yes – it has deepened and strengthened and changed – We’ve become enmeshed into each other’s families, for good and bad, we’ve started a family, experienced job changes, moves, deaths. We’ve learned to prioritize what’s important and to give attention to our relationship. That used to be easier when we had more free time, but now it’s something we focus consciously on achieving.
What have you learned about yourself since you’ve been married?
I’ve learned that I can be a bit of the “man” in the relationship – I depend on my husband to take on MUCH of the household chores and somehow feel guilty about that – crazy, isn’t it?!
