feminism. art. wit. happenings.
(I love these vintage ads, but holy hell, there are SO MANY white people.)
The Marriage Project, along with this blog, will go dark from Sunday, March 4th until Monday, March 12th while I’m on trip staffing adventures in Nicaragua. If you’re working on an interview right now, feel free to send it to me and the Project will resume when I get back. Stay tuned.
S lives in Canada.
Why did you decide to get married?
My beloved, I, lived in the US and I lived in Canada. He wanted to immigrate and, although we identify as anarchists and are opposed in principle to the intervention and/or regulation of intimate relationships by the state and/or religious institutions, we chose to register our relationship as a marriage because of the bureaucratic process we were about to undertake. We chose to go along with the bureaucracy because it furthered our own purposes – which was to live together and have free access to one another (in other words, without the barrier of international borders).
What did you think marriage would be like?
I had been married twice before, I three times. I thought I’d had sufficient experience to be able to avoid the pitfalls, the fights and major disagreements. I imagined it would be relatively easy and peaceful. I also thought I had finally chosen the right person, and that was what would make a significant contribution to a successful outcome (read: little or no conflict).
Where do you think you got your ideas/concept/narrative about marriage?
Part of it was considering my parents’ marriage: a good marriage was characterized by all the things my parents relationship did not have. It was a cold, quiet, uptight and hostile environment in which to grow up so I sought a relationship that had emotional warmth, physical affection, play, laughter, harmony, open communication.
How do you feel about the word “wife”?
I hate it. It always meant property to me. In my marriage immediately previous to this one, we agreed to call each other partner, but at the end of it, when I started doing things my husband-at-the-time did not like, he reproached me for them, saying in what I perceived as an accusatory tone, “You’re my wife!” In other words, I read him as saying there were things I could not do by virtue of being his wife. I do think it is very important to the health of a relationship to make and keep agreements and/or have open discussions about struggles with them. At the same time, to assume an agreement without discussion, because you think of someone as label, rather than as a person, in my opinion, does not make for a relationship of mutuality, which is what I prefer.
Why did you make the decision you made about your name?
After changing my family name twice already, after this marriage, I chose a family name of my own. I did not want to be identified by my relationship to some man, be it father, husband, lover or whatever. Originally, I had hyphenated family names because I wanted to highlight the relatedness.
Do you think your relationship with your partner has changed since you got married?
I don’t know if the relationship has changed but I do know that how I relate to my beloved, to myself and to our relationship has changed. I have chosen to relate to obstacles, difficulties and pleasures as opportunities for personal growth. Now my chosen path, in all relationships, is the path of transformation. I have decided to take whatever comes as an opportunity to learn and grow. I find that this supports an inner experience of freedom and lightness, sometimes happiness, and often gratitude. This is far superior, in my assessment, to the suffering I experienced when I was angry, pointing fingers, and blaming myself or the other person.
What have you learned about yourself since you’ve been married?
We have been in a relationship for 9 years or so, married for 8 and living together for 7ish. I feel happy daily, and am more in love with and appreciative of my beloved each day.
In that context, I have learned that, regardless of what is happening around me, I can have inner peace independent of external circumstances. I have learned that it is easier to achieve this peace when I am met in my efforts toward transformation, but even if I am not, inner peace is still possible. It is a choice that is available to me at any time.
I have learned to be less reactive, to listen better (to another and to myself), to demonstrate a listening attitude in a way that comes across effectively to the other person and to communicate more clearly.
My marriage was a Petri dish for this learning, but I want to make it clear this did not happen by magic. I believe it was only because I chose to approach it this way that I was able to benefit. My intimate relationship (aka “marriage”) and its constituent beings (aka “wife” and “husband”) are all living processes: the life in them needs to be explicitly and choice-fully nurtured if it is to grow well.
R is 27 and lives in New York City.
Why did you decide to get married?
I decided to get married because I knew that I wanted to get married, and that J was the right person, so I went for it.
What did you think marriage would be like?
I wasn’t really sure what marriage would be like. We were really excited to be able to live together and openly acknowledge our relationship by touching in public, sleeping in the same room, and things of that nature. I also wasn’t sure what covering my hair would be like, so I think that contributed to my inabilityto predict what marriage would mean. Ultimately, though, I thought of it as bringing a sense of calm and peace to our lives.
Where do you think you got your ideas/concept/narrative about marriage?
I think I fell victim to the Hollywood Romance narrative, and thought that relationships would fix all my problems. By the time I got married I had long abandoned those assumptions, but until I started dating J (which was NOT an easy thing to do), I just assumed that marriage had its issues but would ultimately make me feel like a completely different person and cause all my problems to disappear. I just assumed that people I knew who weren’t totally happy in their relationships were just screwing it up – I didn’t really want to see that you can be married and still be unhappy (not that I am).
How do you feel about the word “wife”?
I tend to embrace the idea that using gendered terms is ok if you own it, and I choose that approach over using gender neutral pronouns such as “partner”. For example: J and I decided to a. use a ketubah (marriage contract) and b. make it a beautiful piece of art that we display on our wall. Many people find the ketubah to be a completely outdated document that in no way resembles marriage today (all true), and therefore consider it offensive and minimize its role in the marriage process. However, we felt that it is an important part of our religious tradition and that we wanted to have a nice one, even though we of course do not actually uphold any gender roles in our relationship (except for the fact that I make him kill the bugs and clean the shower). So, ketubah is on the wall and husband/wife terms are used, even though I’m pretty sure that our relationship is completely equal.
Why did you make the decision you made about your name?
I decided to change my name because I wanted to have the same last name as my children. I use my maiden name and married name (i.e. my name is: my first name, maiden name, then married last name.) That way people know my maiden name but I also have my husband’s last name tacked on at the end of it. I firmly believe that there is no perfect solution to the name-change question. If you don’t change it, then you save the hassle of dealing with it, and you get to stay you. However, then your kids don’t have your last name (I find hyphenating children’s last names to be pretty dumb). You could just use your husband’s last name, but then no one knows who you were in your previous life. So instead I decided to legally change my name, but use both last names for everything so that everyone would know who I am. I had mentioned to J that maybe he take my last name, but he didn’t want to change his name. And I didn’t want to lose my last name either, so how could I ask him to do the same?
This might be a good time to insert J’s excellent observation that he made a few months back: He said that lots of people have lofty ideas of how they are going to make their wedding eco-friendly, ethical, gender neutral, etc, but that once you’re actually living it, everyone tends towards the mainstream. We definitely followed that model, and I remain very happy with our decisions.
Do you think your relationship with your partner has changed since you got married?
I think some of the romance is gone. And I don’t mean that in a sad or depressing way at all. But the excitement of dating is no longer present because you know that you’re always coming home to him. We still do nice things for each other and we love each other tremendously. But when you live with something or someone they become a full part of your life, which by definition becomes less exciting. But that is just fine – I’m ok with life being boring and calm. It’s nice to have your best friend around all the time, and it’s incredible to have a partner – TWO people cooking and cleaning for Shabbos, two people to make life decisions together.
What have you learned about yourself since you’ve been married?
I don’t like to share my space. When I had a roommate we each stuck to our rooms and barely used the living space. But now J and I have a big tv in our living room and he sits in front of it all the time – to do work, to eat, etc. This drives me up a wall, but it’s his space now too and I can’t always be the boss. So if I need some quiet time we turn the tv off, or I go into our room. Marriage is all about compromise and negotiating with each other, which is something I am fundamentally not good at. But it’s not fair not to try, so I try.
L is 26 and lives in Texas.
I don’t think we actually decided to get married. One day the conversation changed from “my kids” to “our kids” and from that point on we knew we were going to get married. It took a long time for me to get there though. Being that we started dating when I was 17 and he was 19, and that he was my first serious boyfriend, I was always very reserved about our future. I figured that everyone thought that they were going to grow up and marry this person and it was only a matter of time before we would break up like everyone else. But we didn’t. I was adamant that about no “promise rings”, no engagement until I was at least out of college and he totally agreed, though he did move in with me towards the end of my junior year of high school. I married T because I apparently am incredibly lucky and found my mate on my first try.
I didn’t have an idea of what it would be like, I only knew how our relationship was. Neither of our parents’ marriages lasted past early elementary school, due to both death and divorce, so we didn’t really know how a marriage was supposed to work. I imagined (and hoped!) that marriage would be like the previous 7 years of our relationship.
Where do you think you got your ideas/concept/narrative about marriage?
I know how marriage works on TV. The husband works, the wife doesn’t. They fight so much that I wonder why these people are even married in the first place. Why are these women married to such selfish husbands? Why are these men married to women who seem to despise who they are? I knew things would be different that because I knew I absolutely was not going to stay home with the kids (when we have them sometime in the next few years) and he was 100% on board with staying home with them. Without question. So I didn’t really feel like there was a marriage I could look to in order to get that insight.
How do you feel about the word “wife”?
I don’t feel personally any like or dislike. It is a word that describes a relationship. To society it seems to mean more. Like our relationship is more real now that I am his wife instead of girlfriend. I feel like it demeans the relationship we had before when it was just a serious as it is now.
Why did you make the decision you made about your name?
I made the decision about my name because I didn’t think about it until 4 weeks before I got married and freaked out. I had never thought I wouldn’t change my name and then realized that I would miss it a lot. My name is unique and I was always proud of it. His name isn’t even easier to spell. But I also thought it would be an asshole move for me to go back on what I’d always said I’d do. Its not that important to me to have the whole family have the same name. Because my parents divorced so early, I don’t actually remember my mom ever having the same name as me and things were fine. But it was important to him. I just needed to let him know that it was important to me too. So the comprise was that I would have 2 middle names and will give a daughter my maiden name, which I think was a great compromise.
Do you think your relationship with your partner has changed since you got married?
I feel like the trust has gotten so much deeper. That started to change on my end once we got engaged. I let go of some of the things I was holding back because now it was official that I am going to be with this person my whole life. I could feel it from his end too. That now we are partners and he trusts me completely as well. It is so incredible to be with someone with whom I have no fear of rejection. He knows all of me and I feel no reason to hide even my deepest thoughts.
What have you learned about yourself since you’ve been married?
I learned to accept that I make mistakes too. I have learned that alone time is VERY important. I have learned that when I am less selfish, the favor is returned. I learned to listen and that his opinions and ideas are just as valid as mine.
How did you arrive at the decision to not get married? How firm are you in this decision?
I’ve gone back and forth a lot about marriage, but in the past few years I’ve seen a lot of marriages fall apart, and I fell in love with a man who is in the midst of a divorce. He’s been pretty soured on the institution, and I’ve found I’m fine with that. We also have an open relationship–we spend most nights together, but we do occasionally have other partners. I have been shocked to find how well this has worked for us, since I always assumed I’d end up in a monogamous relationship. Since we’re not doing traditional monogamy, it seems kind of silly to have the traditional monogamy-oriented wedding. We have discussed at some point having a Jewish ceremony with just us, two witnesses, and an officiant. That seems like something that would make us feel formally committed to each other without asking anyone to spend crazy money, or wear a dress they hate, or give us a blender. But if we decide never to do even that, it would be fine with me. I can imagine that my family would be displeased if we started having kids without being married, but I don’t really care.
Where did you get your thoughts about marriage?
My parents had a lovely marriage that lasted well over 30 years. But when my mother died it became clear that she did so much more in the relationship than my father ever did. Watching that really made me think about the pitfalls of marriage, how it can end up with one person doing all the work and the other person reaping all the benefits. I also read a book called Wifework by Susan Maushart that delved into the research about marriage. It talks a lot about how marriage is awesome for the dude, and often a poor deal for the lady. That made me think hard about how to choose a partner, and how to decide if I really want to get married.
What do you say to folks who ask you when you’re getting married?
My partner is actually still married to his ex–the divorce is not final, so I get to say, “But he’s already married!” Sometimes I say, “We’re talking about it.” Other times, “Never! Thanks for asking!”
Why do you think there’s such a stigma against women who aren’t married/choose not to be married? How do you think this stigma has affected you?
I think most people are uncomfortable thinking about a world in which they are not paired up with someone, so when they come across a single person they just assume that person is sad and lonely, as they would be if they were single. The desperation ascribed to single people makes me incredibly irritated, because I think it’s really mostly desperation from outside forces to get people to have heterosexual partners.
What are your feelings on the word “spinster”?
I hate the word spinster. It seems so dowdy and old to me. I prefer swingin’ single.
J lives in New York City.
Why did you decide to get married?
You’d think this would be a no-brainer for me. My partner is the finest man alive. I’m deeply in love with him. I made a commitment to him many, many years ago, and we’ve built a beautiful life together. He’s wanted to get married for almost a decade. So why did it take me fourteen years to reconcile myself to marrying him?
Me, I never wanted to get married. I was the girl who announced to her entire extended family, at sixteen, that she’d never do it. When I was young, marriage seemed like one extended chore. As I grew older, I gained a historical and political awareness of what marriage really meant. Yes, I’m a remarkably monogamous person. I’ve never been interested in dating around, and I really enjoy being part of a couple. But marriage? No way.
When my partner first started talking marriage, it created a huge conflict for me. I love him, and even at the time, I knew I wanted to spend my life with him! But I couldn’t reconcile myself to the idea of being his wife. I said, “You are asking me to do something I have a big problem with. I understand why you want to do this, but I won’t just marry you because it’s what you want. I value the integrity of our relationship. I won’t make any commitments to you unless I can make them whole-heartedly.”
This kicked off a conversation that continued for many years. We talked about the problematic history of marriage, and the wedding-industrial complex, and caring work, and gender roles, and institutional benefits, and the struggles of our LGBT friends for equal treatment. We agreed that our society’s take on marriage raises some serious ethical concerns, and that participating in the institution reinforces its power. He thought we could nonetheless reclaim it. I didn’t.
So what changed? It was a long process and it’s a longer story, but the short answer is family. After a series of family deaths and illnesses, I realized that getting married wasn’t just about the two of us. It was about our family and community, who were deeply tied to our lives. At around the same time we started talking about kids, and the legal implications of marriage started to overshadow my moral qualms.
I’m at peace with my decision to get married. My relationship with my partner hasn’t suffered, and we now have the double protection of legal and social recognition for it. And we’ve come to agree that while we can’t reclaim what marriage is to the world, maybe we can reclaim it in our own community.
What did you think marriage would be like?
I thought marriage would be the end of my life as a fully adult, autonomous human being.
Where do you think you got your ideas/concept/narrative about marriage?
First and foremost, my parents. They had a magnificent marriage of thirty-five years, which ended only when my father died. They truly enjoyed and appreciated each other, they had a remarkably effective partnership, and they shared the same values. In many ways, I’ve modeled my own relationship on theirs, from appreciating the little things, to valuing my partner for who he is, to putting family first. However, they also had quite rigid and conventional gender roles. My father worked long hours, leaving my mother to manage the house and raise the children more or less on her own. I knew that kind of life was not for me – and to me that’s what marriage looked like.
My religious community only reinforced this idea. I grew up in a religious Jewish community where women were explicitly treated as second-class citizens – at prayers, in the classroom, and beyond. A woman’s role in life, I was taught, was to get married, raise children, and “keep a Jewish home.” Anything else she did was ultimately secondary. We were expected to go to college, for example, and even to a good one – but any school without enough marriageable Jewish men got an automatic veto. Even that was too liberal for some of the guys I met. I vividly remember the day I was told that girls from my school were considered “undateable” because we were encouraged to have academic and professional aspirations.
I remember reading The Feminine Mystique as a teenager and saying to myself, “Yes, my god, there is a problem here that has no name.” So I went about trying to name it. That took me a long time.
How do you feel about the word “wife”?
I hate it, hate it, hate it. To me it says that I exist as an adjunct to a man’s life – that my job is to be a helpmate, not a human being. A wife doesn’t get to take center stage. She’s too busy taking care of her husband’s needs to pay any attention to her own.
The idea of being a “wife” is a major reason why I resisted getting married for so long. I had no problem with making a lifelong commitment to my partner, but marriage meant becoming something I hated. It meant participating in this enormously problematic institution with a long history of gendered oppression, not to mention moving from a starring to a supporting role in my own life. There was no way that was going to happen.
When we decided to get married, we agreed we wouldn’t use the word “wife.” In retrospect, that was pretty unrealistic. I get described as a “wife” all the time by other people, so I had to learn to come to terms with it. Plus, I sometimes call my partner my “husband,” which carries “wife” within it! Our solution was to use “wife” to describe a set of caretaking behaviors instead of a social identity. When I curl up on the couch with a book while he makes dinner, I tell him he’s being a fantastic wife. When I pay the bills, he says the same to me.
The best book I’ve ever read on this topic, by the way, is Maushart’s Wifework. It exposes just how much better marriage is for men than for women, and illuminates the invisible work (physical, emotional, sexual) that wives are expected to do. The book helped us understand that we do want a wife in our marriage – we just don’t want it to be me. We want to share wifework between us, so that we both get nurtured and cared for when we need it. It’s also an ethical stance: neither of us wants to benefit from this relationship at the expense of the other. The book helped us identify some areas where we weren’t living up to our relationship goals, and we’ve already made changes to our lives because of it. We have a fabulous partnership, despite the fact that we’re married.
Why did you make the decision you made about your name?
We never even considered that I might change my name. The only question was whether my partner would change his! He liked the idea because he was sentimentally attached to the idea of us sharing a name as a family unit, and I was okay with it because it challenged social norms around name-changing. He eventually decided against, but that’s more than fine with me. We’ve been together so long I think of him as [HisFirstName] [HisLastName], and it would be weird to call him something different.
The real decision to be made is what we’ll name our kids. We both have relatively few blood relatives who share our last names, and we both feel powerfully connected to our families of origin. Unfortunately our names sound pretty stupid when hyphenated, and in any case how do we decide whose name goes first? I suspect we’ll end up polling our siblings to find out what they’re planning to do when they have kids, and use that to make our own choice. Maybe we’ll end up hyphenated after all.
Do you think your relationship with your partner has changed since you got married?
Yes, in that our relationship is always changing as we change and grow! But I suspect what you mean is, “Has marriage been the cause of any of these changes?” As I noted above, marriage has made us confront some issues around the division of labor in our relationship. We realized that there are some ways in which we’re being unfair to each other, and we’re working to correct that. Currently, we’re working on the issue of “mental labor” – noticing, list-keeping, managing. So far, we’ve had great success.
The other way in which marriage has changed our relationship isn’t about how we relate to each other, but rather how others treat our relationship. Acquaintances assume I’m older and more mature when they see my wedding ring. We have much more power to prioritize each other’s needs in our families of origin. It’s subtle but pervasive; we’re getting a lot more social recognition for our partnership now.
Finally, people are terribly surprised when I refer to my husband as my boyfriend. But I don’t see why I should be short a boyfriend just because we’re also married to each other!
What have you learned about yourself since you’ve been married?
The biggest surprise for me was how much I love wearing my wedding ring. We hand-made each other’s rings. Every time I look at mine, I think about his competence, his integrity, his kindness and his wisdom. I know it’s only an object, but it feels like I have a piece of his soul on my finger. Plus I enjoy that others can see a physical marker of our lifelong commitment and love.
The most unpleasant thing I’ve learned is that I am willing to ruthlessly exploit heteronormativity and gender expectations when it benefits me. For example, if I need to cancel a social commitment on short notice, I explain that it’s because of my “husband” and his needs. People get much less upset when I’m displeasing them for his sake rather than for my own, especially when I use the marital term. After all, I’m being a good wife in doing so.
Most of all, I’ve learned that I still want to spend my life with my partner, even if he’s my husband now. Given my fears about the institution, that’s pretty cool.
D works in business.
Why did you decide to get married?
It was a long time ago…gotta think about that one. We met senior year of high school and fell in love fairly immediately. He’s my best friend, and we’ve always been very committed, but I knew it would ‘feel right’ or feel better if we were married. We waited seven years, though. My family is Catholic so it would ease tensions there. Plus, we would be able to share health care, make medical decisions for each other, etc. And, eventually, we knew we wanted to have a kid, or kids, and it might be easier for my husband to do things for the child if he was married to me. Kids were so much a part of our planning that we even combined our last names into a new last name that would be less than 13 characters — so it would fit on the SATs. Yes, we’re nuts.
What did you think marriage would be like?
On a daily basis, I expected it to be pretty much the same as living together, which it was. On a social basis, it made things much less awkward around my family, and settled any questions on my husband’s side of the family too. Although, the name change for my husband didn’t go over so well with the more traditional types on both sides… Eep!
Where do you think you got your ideas/concept/narrative about marriage?
A lot from our families…I’m sure a bit from media.
How do you feel about the word “wife”?
Positive. Of course, I tend to think “Orc Wife”. They were some pretty tough characters to beat in a live roleplaying game I used to play in. Oh..did I mention the nerdiness?
Why did you make the decision you made about your name?
My husband and I are both feminists, and didn’t think it would be fair for me to lose my name, or for him to lose his. So, we both lost our names and combined our root name-bases into a new name. 100% American, baby! It was surprisingly easy to do. We had to petition the court, pay $100, and now – voila – my husband and I both have a “maiden name”. The two of us and our child are the only people in the world with our last name, so it was easy to get our own domain for our email addresses, too. (Yes…nerds…)
Do you think your relationship with your partner has changed since you got married?
Sure! We’ve learned to “play zones” – I do things I’m good at (which are not traditional ‘wifey-poo’ things…I do the finances, cars, and the computers), and he does things he’s good at (like cooking, dishes, laundry and helping with homework). We’ve been through some big ups and downs, and it’s made me more accepting and realistic about who he is and isn’t, and I think the same’s true of him. We’ve each given up dreams or had to reduce our expectations for careers and education, partially just because of the realities of life, but partially because we’ve stuck by each other “in sickness and in health”. We’ve both had health issues that seriously impacted us at various times and derailed our careers and college. If you’d asked both of us where we thought we’d be at this age, we wouldn’t have described where we are now. But at the same time, we’ve been able to have a life both of us love and neither of us could have imagined. We still have some issues – midlife crisis looms large for both of us. We still don’t know what we really want to do when we grow up, and I still don’t have a pony, but he’s my best friend and we’ll figure it out.
What have you learned about yourself since you’ve been married?
I have been incredibly fortunate. Stupid lucky, really. I almost feel like this part of my life is payment for all the crud I went through earlier in my life. I’ve learned I have to be strong and be a leader for my family – I have to be willing to suffer with them and for them, to put myself second or third, but not all the time. I’ve also learned that although this being-married thing takes some effort, a lot of it seems to be instinctive. And, I’ve learned that a lot of the crazy ‘rules’ I learned from my family and my life before I met him don’t apply to my life with him or the rest of the world. It was faulty programming. We’ve both learned how to talk to each other without triggering each others’ defenses. When we’re tired, we still screw up and squabble – but we have always made up quickly and then created a plan for a solution to whatever problem triggered the fight in the first place. I’ve learned that nothing is the end of the world, the end of the relationship.
songs: the temptation of adam, josh ritter; foregone, the decemberists; the park, feist; big jet plane, angus and julia stone, wagon wheel, old crow medicine show; a record year for rainfall, the decemberists.
It’s been a long time since I’ve written anything in this blog that wasn’t about the Marriage Project, but my head feels a little clearer today, being on the Lower East Side in a new coffee shop, where lots of cute dogs march by the window. I want to eat some gd damn dumplings from Vanessa’s, even if I have to wait in line, which I probably will. (Jami Attenberg tweeted once that she wanted to go to the Fairway in Red Hook and buy some gd damn cheese. I find this charming.)
The ankle is sore, but not in a boot or a cast anymore, although I’m now afraid of crossing the street or walking down stairs. I could my ankle would snap like a pretzel, the bone disintegrating into salty dust.
I have a pile of writing to do, and I feel fried by it all, except for the people running around in my head. They’re loud. I keep making doodles and and thinking about California. I want to do a million sketchbook pages and read and take photos and drink a lot of coffee. And eat Brooklyn, as though I were a spoon.
I is 26 years old and lives in Washington, DC.
How did you arrive at the decision to not get married? How firm are you in this decision?
I wouldn’t get married if I didn’t believe it would last forever, and that my husband and I would be happy together for life, but how do you come by that kind of certainty? That’s one of the barriers, for me, to walking down the aisle. I don’t want doubts, or a pre-nup, or a back-up plan. But wouldn’t it be foolish to ignore the reality that many marriages end, and if mine does, I’ll need to protect myself? Can you believe wholeheartedly in the future of your marriage and also preemptively prepare for divorce? Can love and pragmatism coexist?
Marriage is an enormous legal commitment. Having worked in family law, I’ve seen firsthand the struggles people go through to extricate themselves from their marriages; I’ve seen people confronting challenges they never thought would come to them. Before you get married, you have to know that not only are you prepared to commit yourself to this person, but also your money, your property, and your children. These might be joyfully shared when times are good, but it’s important to be aware that even if you divorce your spouse, they are still legally entitled to much of what you might consider “yours.” If you don’t want to split your pension with someone, either don’t marry them, or sign a pre-nup. And that’s hard to face, especially at a time in your life when society insists that all you think about is tulle and halls and flower arrangements. It’s not very bridal to think about what happens to your 401(k) in the event of a divorce, but someday it may be very important.
Where did you get your ideas about marriage?
My parents have been happily married for over 30 years, and I come from a large family with a very low incidence of divorce, especially by 21st century American standards. So most of my thoughts about marriage are positive, which may be why it’s often surprising to people that I’m ambivalent about taking that step myself.
On one level, it’s difficult to believe in the promise of marriage when modern marriages seem to break down so quickly, and divorce feels almost inevitable. If your marriage will more likely than not end in divorce, is it still worth doing? These are the kind of questions I find myself confronting, and I think this wasn’t a calculus our mothers and grandmothers felt the need to make. It doesn’t mean that no one can have a successful marriage, only that if we’re all entering into our marriages with an eye towards the possibility of failure, it’s going to mean something different than it did when our parents got married.
What do you say to folks who ask you when you’re getting married?
I tend to be fairly open about my decision to not get married (yet). It certainly isn’t a self-imposed lifelong embargo, and I do plan to get married someday, but I want to do it because I really want to, and right now I don’t feel that need. Also, marriage is a serious business, and I want to give the decision the time and consideration it warrants. Luckily, I have very supportive friends and family, so no one has been rude or judgmental, even when I know they don’t understand or don’t agree with my decision.
What are your feelings on the word “spinster”?
“Spinster” is an ugly word. A spinster is not a real woman, she’s not a complete person, she’s not deserving of dignity or respect. She’s a joke – someone to be mocked and pitied. She’s Miss Havisham, an old maid, a cat lady. There is no allowance for her feelings or preferences, no room for her to be a complete person. Spinster means we don’t see a woman; we see the absence of a man.
You didn’t ask me this question, but as far as how I feel about the word “wife”…
I was surprised to see so many women reacting badly to the word “wife.” As an unmarried woman, I hate the word “girlfriend” (and “boyfriend”), and would much prefer “wife”, which seems to lend a lot more legitimacy to the relationship. “Boyfriend” and “girlfriend” seem so juvenile, and perhaps even temporary. These terms don’t define my relationship, but I use them anyways, because I haven’t found a viable alternative. What do you call a couple who have made a commitment to each other, but which hasn’t been recorded on an official form, registered with the government, and marked by the gratuitous bestowal of a Kitchenaid?
It’s time for the English language to provide a term that means “unmarried people in a committed relationship.” Personally I love the word partner (I even prefer it to “husband” and “wife”), because it’s the same for both parties, which seems more egalitarian, but also because it exemplifies what I feel a good relationship should be – a partnership, a team effort, a friendship. For the time being, I don’t use the word “partner” because the connotation tends more toward same-sex relationships, and in the interests of not confusing people, it’s easier just to say “boyfriend” and “girlfriend.” But I wish there were a word that more accurately expressed my reality.
