feminism. art. wit. happenings.
(I love these vintage ads, but holy hell, there are SO MANY white people.)
The Marriage Project, along with this blog, will go dark from Sunday, March 4th until Monday, March 12th while I’m on trip staffing adventures in Nicaragua. If you’re working on an interview right now, feel free to send it to me and the Project will resume when I get back. Stay tuned.
S lives in Canada.
Why did you decide to get married?
My beloved, I, lived in the US and I lived in Canada. He wanted to immigrate and, although we identify as anarchists and are opposed in principle to the intervention and/or regulation of intimate relationships by the state and/or religious institutions, we chose to register our relationship as a marriage because of the bureaucratic process we were about to undertake. We chose to go along with the bureaucracy because it furthered our own purposes – which was to live together and have free access to one another (in other words, without the barrier of international borders).
What did you think marriage would be like?
I had been married twice before, I three times. I thought I’d had sufficient experience to be able to avoid the pitfalls, the fights and major disagreements. I imagined it would be relatively easy and peaceful. I also thought I had finally chosen the right person, and that was what would make a significant contribution to a successful outcome (read: little or no conflict).
Where do you think you got your ideas/concept/narrative about marriage?
Part of it was considering my parents’ marriage: a good marriage was characterized by all the things my parents relationship did not have. It was a cold, quiet, uptight and hostile environment in which to grow up so I sought a relationship that had emotional warmth, physical affection, play, laughter, harmony, open communication.
How do you feel about the word “wife”?
I hate it. It always meant property to me. In my marriage immediately previous to this one, we agreed to call each other partner, but at the end of it, when I started doing things my husband-at-the-time did not like, he reproached me for them, saying in what I perceived as an accusatory tone, “You’re my wife!” In other words, I read him as saying there were things I could not do by virtue of being his wife. I do think it is very important to the health of a relationship to make and keep agreements and/or have open discussions about struggles with them. At the same time, to assume an agreement without discussion, because you think of someone as label, rather than as a person, in my opinion, does not make for a relationship of mutuality, which is what I prefer.
Why did you make the decision you made about your name?
After changing my family name twice already, after this marriage, I chose a family name of my own. I did not want to be identified by my relationship to some man, be it father, husband, lover or whatever. Originally, I had hyphenated family names because I wanted to highlight the relatedness.
Do you think your relationship with your partner has changed since you got married?
I don’t know if the relationship has changed but I do know that how I relate to my beloved, to myself and to our relationship has changed. I have chosen to relate to obstacles, difficulties and pleasures as opportunities for personal growth. Now my chosen path, in all relationships, is the path of transformation. I have decided to take whatever comes as an opportunity to learn and grow. I find that this supports an inner experience of freedom and lightness, sometimes happiness, and often gratitude. This is far superior, in my assessment, to the suffering I experienced when I was angry, pointing fingers, and blaming myself or the other person.
What have you learned about yourself since you’ve been married?
We have been in a relationship for 9 years or so, married for 8 and living together for 7ish. I feel happy daily, and am more in love with and appreciative of my beloved each day.
In that context, I have learned that, regardless of what is happening around me, I can have inner peace independent of external circumstances. I have learned that it is easier to achieve this peace when I am met in my efforts toward transformation, but even if I am not, inner peace is still possible. It is a choice that is available to me at any time.
I have learned to be less reactive, to listen better (to another and to myself), to demonstrate a listening attitude in a way that comes across effectively to the other person and to communicate more clearly.
My marriage was a Petri dish for this learning, but I want to make it clear this did not happen by magic. I believe it was only because I chose to approach it this way that I was able to benefit. My intimate relationship (aka “marriage”) and its constituent beings (aka “wife” and “husband”) are all living processes: the life in them needs to be explicitly and choice-fully nurtured if it is to grow well.
