M: “I am a 34 year old woman, fiercely independent, an Executive Pastry Chef for a high end hotel, a very male dominated profession. I bought my home alone, never needed a man to get by. I am a relation-shipper. I have long term relationships but have never really pushed for marriage mainly because of the belief that a man should not be pressured to be with you. He should want the commitment as much as you do, if not more. I also believe in commitment without paper work, but the paper work does have some perks. For a long time I could take marriage it or leave it.”
Why am I choosing to get married?
I love him. S and I have been together for 6 years. We are well past the getting to now you phase of the relationship, the honeymoon stage of candy, roses, and everyday sex is long gone. I am feeling my biological clock ticking and I would like to be attached legally to the man that I am going to have children with. Plus, if I died, he would have no rights to the home we share or anything I would leave behind, and vice versa.
I want a marriage, not a wedding after signing a prenup. I could elope tomorrow. S wants “the traditional day” with family and friends. I am OK with a very small event. The wedding is a year away and already I am being pressured to inviting family I have not talked to in years, getting a band, and I am waiting for the “Catholic” guilt because we are not having a religious ceremony (Who would I be kidding? I am far from a virgin and we are not church people). I am ready to go to Vegas. None of this is remarkable or surprising, it was expected. Plus, the costs are crazy, also expected. At least I can make my own cake.
The word wife?
I joke that S is the wife. I do not subscribe to the traditional Susie homemaker image. We have our own roles in the relationship. I cook, he cleans, I am the handyman and we both work. The word fiance trips me up more, it just does not role off my tongue well.
What do I expect marriage to be like?
More of the same. It will not effect our roles. We have been together longer than most marriages last.
This has been a point of anxiety for me. In a way I want to take the traditional route of changing it. S would be happy and I would feel more like a family if we have kids. I also feel like I will be losing a part of my identity if I changed it. I love my last name. To be determined.
The role of the wedding?
Besides being a stress filled event? I never had the fairytale wedding fantasy. I like the the image of saying vows to each other, it’s romantic.