williamsburg

overheard in long island city: “but this isn’t long island…right?”

A friend of mine got herself married last weekend, so I went to Long Island City to hang out with her awesome dog and take some photos.

 

The Marriage Project, Reflection 64: “We would somehow be combining Wonder Twin powers…”

 

 

A is 31 and lives in South Carolina.

Why did you decide to get married?

Marriage was not always in the cards for me. For a long time as a teenager and young adult I was convinced that I never wanted to be married. This was also around the time that my parents’ doomed marriage hit its peak of ugly and really began to unravel. Several years later, I’d met my husband and the idea of marriage kind of just sprang into my head as a given. I never once considered just being committed to each other as partners and not as spouses. The ring and the paper and the promise in front of our friends and families were huge for me. It’s the reason I’m such a huge supporter of marriage equality. The trappings of marriage matter.

What did you think marriage would be like?

I figured that marriage would be hard, but rewarding, like acing AP English. I imagined us wearing ‘Team F’ t-shirts and dominating couples’ game night. I honestly believed that if we were willing to work at it, we could reach a consensus on any topic and truly become this unstoppable force- like by getting married we would somehow be combining Wonder Twin powers or something.

Now I see it as an all out war against the forces that work to divide couples. Seriously. Some days it’s all we can do not to scream profanities at each other in the Target parking lot. Forget matching t-shirts and freaking game nights- we can’t even agree on how to watch Jeopardy! (I say the answer doesn’t count unless it’s in the form of a question, and J steadfastly refuses to acknowledge this rule!) As for marital harmony, well, that’s a nice dream. There is no adorable scene where we’re dancing around the kitchen cooking together in perfect unity! I do take comfort in the fact that we hold the same values on the big picture stuff- politics, organized religion, education, and we’re learning to live with (as opposed to fixing) each others’ quirks. It’s hard to see the dream in the reality sometimes, but I suppose it’s still there.

Where do you think you got your ideas/concept/narrative about marriage?

My parents’ marriages, both to each other and their current partners, are undoubtedly the biggest influences I’ve had regarding marriage. I felt like my parents were always arguing. They seemed to excel in driving each other crazy and I believe they probably hurt each other more than anyone else ever had or has since. Needless to say,  I didn’t like what I saw growing up.  I began to really look at the relationships around me in order to find some inspiration. I wish I could say that I found a lot of happily ever after, but the truth runs more toward a stash of cautionary tales than fairy tales. I’ve managed to compile a pretty extensive list of what not to do in order to have a lasting marriage.

How do you feel about the word “wife”?

I love it! I also enjoy “companion,” “lover,” and the phrase “partner in crime,” but the title of “Wife” is special. It changes the way I view myself, but more than anything, I like the way I imagine it changes my husband’s view of me. I am his Wife. Not just some chick he’s dating or even a girlfriend. It’s like being the Secretary of State or the President. The title alone should garner respect from my husband and myself.

Why did you make the decision that you did about your name?

I had actually decided to keep my last name and not change it at all after reading Committed by Elizabeth Gilbert. In the book she struggles with her own ideas about marriage and partnership by doing a ton of research on the customs surrounding marriage. Taking a man’s last name is derived, at least originally, from the times when women were little more than property. A woman bore her father’s name until she was married, at which time ownership, and her name, changed. Obviously, that’s not how taking your husband’s name is viewed today, but it did feel like I was giving up my identity. I was 29 when I married. I’d lived a good long while as a whole person and I fought long and hard about changing my name. During one particularly heated argument, I declared that since J thought it was so easy to just up and change a name, that we should both change our names to something completely different. I assumed that he would dismiss the idea outright and I would have the upper hand having been the only one to offer a compromise. Instead, he took me by surprise, agreeing, as long as we had the same last name. I challenged him with something like, “Fine! Like what?!” To which he immediately yelled, “Smeggelblatt!” I was both livid and hysterical with laughter! We both cried from laughing so hard! In the end, we compromised on hyphenating my name and any hypothetical children will simply have his name. I think we both realized that going the extreme of Smeggelblatt was too much for either of us.

Do you think your relationship with your partner has changed since you got married?

Absolutely, and for the better. In our premarital counseling class, my husband raised his hand when the instructor asked if anybody there already felt like they were married. Now, he laughs and says that he had no idea what he was thinking! I think that we’ve become a lot closer since getting married. And I think that marriage has made our relationship much more real and intense. Being married has raised the stakes on our decisions and on how we treat each other. In a lot of ways I think marriage both strengthens and stretches bonds between two people, constantly building and testing the ties that bind.

What have you learned about yourself since you’ve been married?

I’ve learned that I can be full of shit. I’ve learned that I’m not a quitter. I’ve learned that I can put up with a lot more than I ever thought possible. I’ve learned that I don’t ever want to go through my life alone. That I’m a team player. I’ve learned that I want to be married way more than I want to be right, and I’ve learned that I can’t learn everything there is to know about marriage by analyzing other people’s relationships. Each one is unique and the only thing that really matters is that it works for the people involved.

just pretend we live in a world where someone is actually named fluffy snackfood saperstein.

(I found  this picture via Google image search. It comes from a site called missnowmrs.com. This woman is really conflicted? And also bored.)

Of all the phenomenon that Facebook has brought with it, one of the most fascinating to me is how married women change their names (if they change them). There’s certainly a post to be written about what happens when women get married, don’t change their names and have to contend with people writing things on their walls like, “Time for a name change!” This is not that post.

Note: The term “maiden name” makes me want to die. (Think about it, but make sure you have a bucket available.) Therefore, I’m going to try to avoid it as much as possible in this post, which might make the language clunky and awkward.

1. Former last name in quotations, followed by  married name. (Fluffy ‘Snackfood’ Saperstein) This makes it seem, to me, like the previous name is more like a cool nickname.

2. Last name and the person you married’s last name hyphenated. (Fluffy Snackfood-Saperstein) Self explanatory?

3. Last name and the person you married’s last name beside each other, no hyphen. (Fluffy Snackfood Saperstein) Often I see this and think, awesome! Fluffy is taking on a name AND keeping her original one! You really can’t be sure what’s going on, though. Sometimes that’s what’s happening, and sometimes it’s just so people from high school can still find you.

3. Putting your original last name and married last name together and putting your former last name in parentheses beside it:  Fluffy Saperstein (Snackfood)

4. Just changing your last name. No first name-before you were married name.  Just first name, new last name. (Fluffy Saperstein.)

These are the permutations I’ve seen, if you’ve noticed different ones, I’d love to know what they are. I’ve never tried to change my name on Facebook, so I don’t know what the options are for doing so, how complicated they make it, etc. It is interesting, though, how women (and of course, it’s always women) are expected to demonstrate that they’re married quickly and starkly, even if the act or the status isn’t actually big deal to the couple.  (Name change party, anyone?)

lower east side (around 13th and B)

scatter

     Café Madeline, Brooklyn. Photo by me.

On the train: a girl in a pink striped seersucker dress. Another girl with sailboats on her shirt. Another with her head in her hands.

I’m writing on a yellow legal pad. Waking with an alarm for the first time since eighth grade. Taking pictures of graffiti. Braided hair. Sitting for dogs. Garden tomatoes, olives, coffee. Overdue library books. The people in my head are tired of waiting.

David Rakoff died. I saw him in the This American Life live episode recently, dancing beautifully and sadly, and I thought, oh, I hope he doesn’t die. But he did, and he knew he would. He told Ira Glass and Terry Gross that it would happen in August. It’s weird that I could feel so crushed by the death of someone I’ve never met and also not weird at all.

There was a woman sitting beside me in the coffee shop who just left, and before that, she was possibly crying. It was hard to tell. She kept dabbing at the edges of her eyes, but I couldn’t see any tears.

talking about people talking about feminism

For your reading pleasure, a conversation about feminist business between Jenn and me. 

Jenn: This was published in Jezebel, talking about how “if you are not a feminist … you are a bad person,” and I’m conflicted. Part of me loves the idea that feminism really is this simple, and everyone should just jump on board! But there’s another part of me that knows that feminism— at least my feminism— is radical.  My feminism cannot isolate the patriarchy from other forms of oppression. Patriarchy won’t disappear if we pay women the same wage as men because there’s still a racial gap, and all of this is still steeped in classism, homophobia, transphobia and oppression galore. My feminism will be intersectional or it will be bullshit.

me: I mean, let’s be honest, it’s more like, really? What’s wrong with you? (I understand the associations with the word, and its less than beautiful history re: race, class), but I don’t understand not getting down with what feminism actually MEANS. Do a little fucking work, people. Get over your fear of hairy legs and lesbians and cats, or whatever you think feminism is about.

A while ago, I went to hear Julie Zeilinger read from her book, A Little F’ed Up: Why Feminism is Not a Dirty Word, and when she asked the audience what they thought of the word feminist, SOME DUDE said, ‘I don’t consider myself a feminist, I consider myself to be an equalist.” I wanted to attack him in the face, which is one of the many reasons I should not be allowed out of the house. Julie handled it like a rock star, pointing out that it’s vital that men be feminists too.

J: Feminism has a gross history, and I get why plenty of folks chose to not associate themselves with eugenics, racism, classism, transphobia, and rich white ladies who didn’t (and too often still don’t) listen to others.

me: It’s interesting to me that feminism is So! Now!

J: Where was all of this rah rah go feminism when I was trying to think about abortion and gender in high school? Would have been nice, world. But this conversation still feels like the one I had in high school. I feel like I’m not saying anything new or even interesting. Yes, feminism. Women. Gender. We got it. Or do we?

C: I am going with “ We do not have it.” I feel like I’m also always saying the same thing, but somehow, I manage to shock people with my scariness.

J: Why is it scary? I think it’s scary because it’s so different. Living my feminism means that every aspect of my life is different and I think of it differently. I don’t want to be pretty; I want to wear clothes that stare down the patriarchy. I don’t want to get married or value myself for having a boyfriend or those monogamous relationships we all need to validate ourselves.

C: Exactly. I think all the stuff about the not wanting to get married is destabilizing because once it’s out there, that it might be an option to not do it and see things and yourself differently, it’s like nothing is sacred. What if you didn’t have to get married? What if everything was optional? You’d have to reshape the whole world. You could reshape the whole world.

J: Right now it’s not really optional. No one is literally going to stone you if you’ve never been married at 36, but there’s obviously something wrong with you.

C: The pathology is so clear to me-you don’t want this things because you’re fucked up, not because you listened to yourself or thought about stuff differently or opted out,  and that’s why I feel like there’s suddenly (?) this attempt to repackage feminism as ‘normal” and not threatening and for everybody. As long as feminism is pushing the envelope, which it always will be, it will never be normative, I hope. I don’t want radical to become mainstream. I want people to feel shook up when I talk about what feminism is to me, what it can be and what it can mean.

The Marriage Project, Reflection 63: “We won’t be traveling down that perfectly paved, landscaped according to code path.”

(photo by me)

K is a 24-year-old graphic designer who lives in Michigan and has been married for 2 years.

Why did you decide to get married?

Honestly, the military had a lot to do with speeding up that process. I had been dating my now husband (who is in the Air Force) for about a year, but we had known each other for quite a few years before we started seeing each other. One day we were talking and throwing the idea around and decided together that it just made sense. Basically for insurance purposes, tax purposes, larger paycheck purposes and  if-he-goes-somewhere-cool-I-get-to-go-too purposes.

And of course we love each other. We have all the same or similar values and beliefs.  He’s extremely laid back which helps counteract my neuroticism. He has old-fashioned manners without being old-fashioned. He’s funny, which I couldn’t live without. Someone I knew once made the observation that if you could make me laugh, you could get in my pants.

We’ve actually been in a long distance relationship the entire time which downright shocks and appalls some people. If it were any person other than him, I wouldn’t have done it. I know he’s an amazing person and it wasn’t a hard decision to make.

What did you think marriage would be like?

Nothing different than what we were already doing before, just with piece of paper making it official. Because of our extreme situation, although we’ve been together for three years, we haven’t been able to live together.

When I graduated college, I planned to move to where he was and get a job there. Then I got a job in my home state instead. Then we found out he was going to South Korea for a year and families can’t accompany there anyway, so we did what we had to do. He did his job, I did mine and when it was over we could finally be together.

Fast forward to now, he is in Italy where I am also supposed to be with him. Due to a clerical error getting my government passport, I ended up being here for five months longer than I was supposed to.

I told a long story to answer the question, but I’m still looking forward to what marriage will be like. I think it’s going to be awesome. I can’t wait to be able to see my husband every day instead of having broken Skype conversations. I can’t wait to sit around the house in our underwear and watch movies. I can’t wait to share meals. I can’t wait to explore Europe together. I can’t wait to live together. Period. (Dammit!)

Where do you think you got your ideas/concept/narrative about marriage?

I would say my mom influences most of how I see things, and I am grateful for that. Even though my parents are divorced, I know I have a good grip on reality and what kind of marriage I want to be a part of. I’m not going to be the submissive, quiet housewife who “knows her place” and fetches my husband’s slippers when he comes home because he says to.

We’re going to take turns doing the crappy chores, try not to argue about money, and be good to each other. And I get to pick out the furniture.

How do you feel about the word “wife”?

Eh, people like to label things and in a way it makes things easier. I don’t particularly enjoy the terms husband and wife (sounds old), or girlfriend and boyfriend (sounds juvenile), but what else are you going to say?

We actually address each other and sign as husband and wife when we have to email or leave a note for the each other. It’s funnier to me, rather than to use our names. Like, come on. He knows what my name is.

Why did you make the decision that you did about your name?

My maiden name was very long and people massacred it every time they tried to say it (even though it is spelled exactly how you pronounce it, no silent z or anything), and then teased me for being Polish. I saw this as my ticket to a less complicated name. Hyphenation was out of the question because it sounded ridiculous, and just added length to an already lengthy name.

I’m still the same person, it doesn’t matter what my name is. Now I just have an easier time with paperwork and signing things.

Do you think your relationship with your partner has changed since you got married?

If anything, it’s brought us closer. We look at each other sometimes, remember that we’re married, and giggle.

What have you learned about yourself since you’ve been married?

That I would actually get married! Growing up, I was the not the girl fantasizing about my fairytale wedding and princess dress. I was dreaming about my sweet-ass career that afforded me the independence to do whatever I wanted. I still want the career part, and now I have someone to help me reach that goal. I still have the same reserves about “traditional” marriage. Minivans, kids and suburban living make my skin crawl, and we won’t be traveling down that perfectly paved, landscaped according to code path. The only babies I want have four legs, fur and smushed faces. (Pugs. We will have pug babies.)