I’m home alone for the next couple of days, so the tendency to hibernate is running deep. Because of my predilection for crime drama, I’m doing things like checking under the bed and behind the shower curtain for serial killers (how this would help me in an actual serial killer related situation, I have no idea). I also feel like there are many blogs posts to be written, but I’m not entirely sure where to start. After less than a week of unemployment, I’m torn between wanting to nap perpetually and fill every second with productivity. Either extreme doesn’t seem like a very good idea, so I’m trying to find a middle ground without flying off into a caffeine induced frenzy.
Last week, I learned that some folks I was friends with in college are expecting a baby eminently. I am of course glad for them, but I have to admit that my heart sunk a little, and that’s as hard to admit as it is to write. As you know if you’ve read this blog, or if you’ve ever met me, I don’t want to have children. As my friend M says, I “own it,” but I still feel sad when I find out that there is one less person in the world who feels like I do, especially in the Jewish community, where it’s hard to talk about things that aren’t normative. It makes my communities, and often my friendships, very lonely places.
I’m not suggesting that a person should stop wanting what they want, rather, the exact opposite. I’m frustrated, because it appears that everyone wants the same thing, and I know that isn’t true, so either people are deluding themselves, or they’re just not talking about it. I talk about it because when you don’t or can’t say your truths, the silence creates shame and perpetuates invisibility, and because I simply need to.
I think we (and by that I mean if you’re an American) often associate reaching out with weakness, as opposed to what it really is, which is fortifying oneself. You have to know that you can’t do the work by yourself-any work, but particularly the kind that is even remotely maverick (sorry, John McCain). It’s not always about opening doors, sometimes it’s just about maintenance. Knowing that is a revolutionary act in itself.