I’ve been listening to a story by Dan Kennedy, of Moth podcast fame, called “And How Does That Make You Feel?” I won’t ruin it for you, because it is a must hear, but suffice it to say, it is rife with the good advice. Most appropriate for me right now is, “always move forward, always choose action.”
Blogging has been difficult lately, because I’m either exhausted or overwhelmed or both. There’s no such thing as a normal day here, it seems. I’m flustered or I’m angry or I’m desperate with love, but never is it linear. Someone asked me recently if I’m enjoying being on vacation, and I thought, I’m not on vacation. Vacation is sitting on the couch in New York watching TV, or being in Amherst with J and his cat. Israel is work, the kind where I wake up every morning thinking, I can’t believe I’m still here. It is as mixed an emotion as it sounds.There are moments when I never want to leave, that I can’t imagine not spending every day here, attempting to figure out, to quote E, “what the f is going on.”
This isn’t my home, unless, of course, home is where everything is messed up, but ultimately, yours. (Okay, in that sense, it is home.) So often here, I’ve been bewildered by how much it seems like no one is like me, but how much I want to be part of this place in spite of that.
On Tisha B’av, I sat on the Tayelet and thought about mourning. I thought about how my fear of never being able to come back here is omnipresent, how it becomes even more real if I decide not to work for the Jewish community in the future. I thought about being afraid to really feel both kinds of not returning-what they will mean, and what they have meant already.